Masquerade

One of my habits is a bad habit in disguise as a good habit. Sort of. I tend to be the one who always helps others. Everyone can depend on me to do it because I will always be there and if you show me I will always try and get it right. You could say I'm at other people's disposal. Except for the fact that I always seem to think about myself and how I will benefit from what I'm doing for them. Don't get me wrong sometimes my heart is in exactly the right place and I do it ONLY because it makes them happy or helps me out but sometimes that's not the case. I honestly love doing things for people and I really don't mind but the little niggling, annoying, almost embarrassing thought that's always in the back of my mind is how does this make me look to other people or what is this doing for me? I hate that I'm this way but when it comes time I never can seem to change it. I don't necessarily care what other people think of me but I want them to know that I am a nice person and friendly so they will want to be around me. I also know I want their approval so sometimes one of my motivations is, "Will this make me look good?" It's horrible I know and I'm ashamed by it because this is not how our attitudes are supposed to be but I also know that I'm a work in progress and I'm not alone. Sometimes I even console myself with that fact. I'm glad that people can't see what's in the heart because I would not be worthy to be emulated or even looked at if they could. Some of my close friends know this about me and still they accept me for who I am but I think if everyone knew they couldn't overlook it with love for very long. I also think that since I know this about myself it reminds me to consider the flaws in other people and to overlook them with love because that's what I would want them to do with me.